I see a lot of people make some very silly mistakes in dating and cause themselves unnecessary heartache and wonder why they are single or divorced. Well, listen up kids! Big sister has some advice for you... I came up with
three main rules to remember while dating.
*warning - those not able to handle brutal honesty need not read ahead*
Rule #1: Know what you need & what you're looking for.
Know where you are in your life. If you're somewhere around 18 or in your early 20s, realize that you are too young to be fully aware of who you are as a woman just yet. Our brains (particularly the frontal lobe) aren't fully developed and mature until about age 25.. before then we are much more likely to take risks and make poor judgments. It's a time for you to learn and grow into a mature confident women who is ready for a relationship. By all means go out and have fun with guys you like, they will help you learn some important things about yourself and men in general.. but don't take it too seriously and try not to go too far. The chances he's thinking long-term at that age are very slim, and you, too, probably aren't ready to get that serious - after all, you have tons of college work and activities to focus on! Take your time.
If you're like me and in your late 20s and early 30s, you're in a prime spot to find and start a long-term relationship. By this time most of us have the experience of having dated a good number of men and have grown to know and really love who we are as a person. We have a better understanding of what we will and will not tolerate from people, and have a better grasp on how to make a relationship work. If you've never had a relationship, well then congratulations! You waited till the right time to start one. Get your hair and nails done, buy a cute summer dress, do things that make you feel like a fabulous femme fatal.. and get yourself out there! (just remember to keep the clothes classy and not skimpy.. keep your cards close to your vest and maintain some mystery)
By this time we have completed our education and have started a solid career.. we are able to stand on our own two feet. This is also a good time to get honest with ourselves and work on any past issues we might be harboring that prevent us from having healthy, long-term relationships.
You might not feel you even want anything long-term at the moment, and that's ok! Some people might not believe in marriage, or still have some hang-ups about commitment and need some more time to work through their issues. The first step is realizing that you have issues to work through. If you have problems with drinking and/or take drugs, and you want to eventually get (and STAY) married, then the first thing you need to do is focus on getting healthy and ditching the toxic substances.. and toxic people that might be in your life.
The same things apply if you're in your late 30s and over 40. At this time you're blessed with even more wisdom then your younger counterparts, and you can definitely use that to your advantage in choosing the right mate. Never think that you're too old to get married - I've read about people in their 60s and 70s getting married! We never lose our ability to love.
Rule #2: It's all about ATTITUDE.
If you have a cynical attitude and expect everything to end in disaster and not work out, well.. it won't work out. You just set yourself up for failure and don't seem to even want things to work out for you. Learn to applaud and root for yourself! Who's side are you on, anyway? Don't accept 'no' from that nagging little voice in your head.. Say to yourself and start to believe that YES, I am an awesome person capable of great relationships! YES, men want to be in relationships with me! And in the words of our president, YES I can! And never let anyone tell you otherwise.
If they do try to tell you otherwise, learn to be a bit of a bitch and stand up to anyone that disrespects you or brings you down with their own negativity. Make your boundaries clear that you have zero tolerance for any kind of abuse or disrespect. If they can't honor those boundaries, then they are someone that does not have the ability to be in any kind of relationship with you. The worst thing you can do is enable someone to be abusive.. you're not only doing yourself a disservice, but you're also doing the abuser a disservice by helping them stay in a self-destructive pattern instead of helping them get out of it. The best relationships are those where you bring out the best in each other, and inspire each other to grow and become better people.
Rule #3: Learn how attraction works for men.
And I'm not just talking about short-term lust.. I'm talking about natural and
lasting attraction and intimacy. Men are very fascinating creatures who always stump us with the things they do. What better way to figure out men and what they need then to do research?
I think we can all agree that men are visual creatures - what gets their attention is a women's appearance. A beautiful pair of eyes and full bust can make a man witless... for the moment. A man who is a keeper (meaning ready and capable of a long-term relationship) will want to see what's behind those gorgeous eyes. Can you carry an intelligent conversation? Are you easygoing and flirty in a challenging way? Are you social and fun and exciting to be around? And once you're actually in a relationship, are you comfortable with your body and expressing yourself sexually? Can you connect with him emotionally in a way that gets him to open up?
Have an open mind and don't be afraid to ask the men you know what they find attractive, or what they think a women worth keeping is like. He'll admire your curiosity and probably thank you for asking! Also don't be afraid to read books on relationships or articles from dating coaches.. they are filled with valuable advice. Some books that I recommend are
Why Men Love Bitches,
Love Smart by Dr. Phil,
Women Men Love-Women Men Leave, and
He's Just Not That Into You.
As far as dating coaches go, I've found the following three very insightful:
Christian Carter
Rori Raye
David Wygant
Check it out and thank me later ;o)
PS: useful tip- Embrace technology! There are a bunch of dating websites (some free, some you have pay) out there where men are waiting to find a girl like you. Dr. Phil recommends Match.com, I also recommend plentyoffish.com. If you don't mind paying, give eHarmony.com a try.
There's also other sites tailored to specific categories such as jdate.com for those looking for other Jews, christiandatingforfree.com for Christians, etc. Being present online is a great way to expand your pool of options and allows you to quickly filter out those that aren't a good match for you. Of course when meeting someone online, remember
safety first. Always have the initial meeting in a public place and never give anyone too much personal information like your address or social security number. Trust your instincts - if you have a bad feeling about someone, listen to the feeling and distance yourself from them. The ones you have a good feeling about - go ahead and meet them! They could turn out to be the real man you've been waiting for all along. ;o)
